Haitian Pick Up Lines

Hand spun clay mug in hand. Brimming with Kona Gingerbread coffee. Sweet fragrance unleashing heaven in my nostrils. Bible on lap. Silence. Mountains covered with a soft blanket of sweeping clouds glowing pink, yellow and blue-grey in the light of early dawn. Sigh. Glorious.

Granted this is all as I sit on a dirty bed-bug mattress, murderously slapping at mosquitoes as I peer through iron bars (nice curly ones though) and over a cinder block wall decorated with barbed wire on the other side of which is heavy, smoky, horn-blowing traffic. But apart from all that it truly is beautiful!

This is how I generally enter into my day here in Port Au Prince (although the gingerbread coffee was a once off). A precious moment of peace before we descend into chaos. Similar to the few seconds perched on the edge of the diving board before the vicious slap and splash of a belly flop.

Haiti is perfect for any person who thrives in adrenalin inducing, hair raising situations. According to Haitian mythology, one day the Haitian people made a pact together to make up for their terrible lack of theme parks. They all agreed to dig massive holes in the road, place as many obstacles in the way (such as goats, pigs, dogs, chickens, wheelbarrows, boulders and children) and crush as many people into one vehicle as possible. The powers that be then gave a mandate that every driver must without exception drive like a raving lunatic. They also agreed that in order to qualify for your drivers license you had to demonstrate two essential skills: you must be able to constantly hold down the horn and you must never lift your foot from the accelerator. This pact is, to date, the only longstanding and effective initiative taken by the Haitian people for the Haitian people. The benefits are fantastic: it provides endless entertainment and excitement for the multitudes at very low cost, contributes to the culling of pests such as mangy street dogs and helps prevent cardiovascular diseases by increasing the heart rate and blood flow, just to name a few.

It is also a well known fact here in Haiti that females with white skin tone (commonly known as a “blancs”) are a rare and valuable species and are to be pursued relentlessly. The pursuit is usually embarked upon as soon as the blanc is within eyesight. It is sometimes very subtle in the beginning stages. Friendly chitter chatter with one added element - seductive eyes. Some are much bolder and before conversation even proceeds they make their intentions clear by pursing their lips and making kissing noises. If the blanc is polite or naive enough to respond in a friendly manner, the process of seduction picks up a notch. The majority of the men are well versed in a language known as Pickuplines and once they have secured their prey they will begin to unleash their well practiced lines which are supposed to have a similar effect as a stun gun: they will not kill the prey but will leave them in a vulnerable and unresponsive state. It is at this point that the question of marriage can be proposed. Some pickuplines that I have personally experienced are as follows:

“Today I have seen an angel. Where are you from? Did you just come down from heaven?”

“You are so sweet...I can see God in you...and I love God very much.”

“If I could paint, I would paint your face, only your face. I would not want to paint anything else.”

“You are single? Oh this is a very good thing! I am single too!”

“Ah! Your brain is very beautiful. I love your brain.”

Needless to say, my head has expanded quite significantly within the last two months.

It is usually at this point I shake myself from under their bewitching spell and I realise that Jesus is the last thing they are thinking about and I will never get through unless I resort to desperate measures (such as “Flirt to Convert”) and that’s just not the way I slice my pie yo. A strange phenomenon then takes place where I suddenly no longer understand a word they say and run away in a wild, haphazard fashion.

Apart from improving my blood circulation, getting my adrenalin addiction tended to and stoking up my self esteem I have also been working with my team at an orphanage this week. The building looks as if it was destroyed in the earthquake and has been cleared out and rebuilt. Each day some of us taught in their school, shared stories and testimonies, did dramas, songs, activities and just played with and held the children. The rest of the team cleaned out the rooms, sanded down cement render walls and painted the house. Substantial amounts of paint ended up on each other...I was very proud of my thick, cream-coloured handlebar mustache courtesy of one of the gentlemen on my team. The children were exceedingly precious and would literally sit in your arms and cuddle all day if they could. It was kinda heartbreaking to say goodbye on our last day. I’m so stoked that we had such a wonderful opportunity to sow into the next generation of leaders...literally impacting the future of this country with the love of Jesus.

It’s been fun chatting with y’all. It’s only one week until we start the 200 hour burn. Hundreds of churches and thousands of people have been mobilised to pray and intercede for this period of time. Not only churches in Haiti but also large groups in Canada, the USA and Korea have heard about it and want to participate. Anyone can sign up to pray for however long they want - check out the website www.ipray4haiti.com.

I love you all and can’t wait to see a lot of you soooon!

Kerri

PS

The cholera epidemic has now spread to Port au Prince. The deaths have increased to over 800 now and it’s not looking good at all. Please continue to fight and pray for this land to be healed!